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As of a year ago, NYSDOCS even allows same-sex trailer visits for married—“civil unioned,” whatever—couples.

It beats the shit out of me whether the gays have taken advantage of this yet. Of course, most prison wardens will allow inmates to get married while they are incarcerated so it’s possible a whole messload of locked-up gays took the plunge in the past year and now they’re goin’ fuckin’ ape every three months up there in the maxes, and there’s really no way to know.

I would fancy interviewing some of these fine fellows if I could find them.

Conjugal visits are totally fuckin’ amazing. I spent at least half of my time in prison thinking about getting knee deep in some good pussy or receiving some mean mouth from a suck master.

If New York’s Department of Correctional Services is going to be nice enough to offer conjugals, they might as well let dudes in the medium-security spots get ‘em, too. This is how fucked current policy is: If you behave at a max you will lose your sexytime when your classification drops and you go to a medium. If you fuck up and get disciplinary tickets at a max you might miss a couple conjugals as punishment, but it’s likely your classification will stay max and you can keep slingin’ meat at the stabbin’ cabin.

There are only a couple medium-security spots with conjugals and the rumors pretty much all agree that their Family Reunion Program will eventually be shut down.


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Dear Prudence, A few months ago

Dear Outgunned, Next time you consider swinging, choose your new partners more carefully. You're looking for an advertisement that says something like, "She's svelte, stacked, and sexy. He's fat, bald, hung like a gnat, and suffering from erectile dysfunction." How sweet for your wife, whom you coerced into this, that the male member of your "ordinary couple" ended up being an oversized piston. Perhaps you watched her having the best sex of her life while neglecting your own duties.

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You've fallen into an obsessive spiral that's destroying you. You need medication, or meditation, or some intervention to get your thoughts back on track. Whether or not your wife is willing to rebuild your marriage, you owe her an apology. Tell her that you made a dreadful mistake and you hate that you pressured her to have sex with another man.

Then take a look at Aesop's fable about the tortoise and the eagle. which is a nice summary of the consequences of getting what you wished for.

Dear Outgunned, Next time you consider swinging, choose your new partners more carefully. You're looking for an advertisement that says something like, "She's svelte, stacked, and sexy. He's fat, bald, hung like a gnat, and suffering from erectile dysfunction." How sweet for your wife, whom you coerced into this, that the male member of your "ordinary couple" ended up being an oversized piston. Perhaps you watched her having the best sex of her life while neglecting your own duties.

Possibly your wife was putting on something of a show just to yank your chain. Now you want to divorce her, after first giving her a sucker punch. If you feel you're actually a danger to your wife, you need to tell her and move out for her safety. You sound like quite a prize, and since you've obviously been behaving abominably since your encounter, I hope your wife has already tied up the services of the best divorce lawyer in town.

However, if both of you want to salvage your marriage, you need the help of a mental health professional. You've fallen into an obsessive spiral that's destroying you. You need medication, or meditation, or some intervention to get your thoughts back on track. Whether or not your wife is willing to rebuild your marriage, you owe her an apology.

Tell her that you made a dreadful mistake and you hate that you pressured her to have sex with another man. Then take a look at Aesop's fable about the tortoise and the eagle. which is a nice summary of the consequences of getting what you wished for.

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One short walk at midday is not enough exercise or company for your pooch. Maybe there is a doggie day care facility where you can drop her off several days a week. She will get activity and socialization and come home tired and satisfied. On days when you are socializing, and you are entitled to a social life as much as your dog is, see whether you can come home first and give her a good walk.

If not, hire a neighborhood kid to give her exercise, food, and companionship on the days you aren't coming home until late. All this will take effort and money, but that's an obligation you incurred when you got her. By keeping her in solitary confinement, you are punishing her for your choice to have a dog.


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It takes Ron five months, three days, and twelve hours to make a thousand paper cranes. He doesn't realize until after he's done that during all these months he never once thought of what he might wish for. But now Ron has to think about what he truly wants. He thinks of when he was little and all he wanted was to make a name for himself separate from his family.

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But over the months something in him had inexplicably changed. He had grown up. True happiness could not be found with fame and quiddich. And you can't force someone to love you even if you wish for it with everything that you are. Perhaps real magic wasn't the result of folding one thousand paper cranes. Perhaps true magic could be found in the love betweentwo friends or maybe just by letting go of someone who obviously didn't want to be here anymore.

Looking at Harry's sleeping form he knew what he had to, no what he wanted to do. And so it is after five months of folding paper, and confessing emotions, and cleansing his soul he makes his wish. "I wish you could be happy." He gets up from his chair, presses a gentle kiss to Harry's forehead, and walks out the door.

And as it happens every night after Ron leaves, a solitary tear slowly makes its way down Harry's face and finally falls to the floor.

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